my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
