I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
