Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
