I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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