Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love you. Go after that dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
