Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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