Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
