so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
