i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
