i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
