i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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