Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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