dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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