Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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