The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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