nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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