im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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