you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
