My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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