the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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