6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
