dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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