Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Someone came in the potted fern
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
