you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
