We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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