Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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