my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
