i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
