Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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