I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
