Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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