I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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