I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
