Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
