Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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