I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
