Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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