I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
