Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
