Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
