Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
