that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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