I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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