so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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