Can i not drive my cunt home
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
