oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
