I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your cock deserves a montage
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
