dude i'm inner monologue high
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
