dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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