How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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