im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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