i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
